School's Out For SUMMER!

Well, for the little darling's it is. Today was their last real day of classes; next week is 'make-up' week when all the little kiddies that didn't do anything all year get yet another chance to do their work in the hope that they won't fail. Personally, my kids have been given too many chances already and therefore are not doing any make up work b/c why would it really make a difference? It won't. They've already failed the term with no hope in hell of actually passing so forget it! It would be a waste of my time and theirs so I'm doing us both a favour and calling a spade a spade - or in this case, a fail a fail. I especially love how their work habits marks are put right after their grade so if they get an unsatisfactory for their work habits it goes right after their F so it actually prints off F U which everyone involved finds quite hilarious.

Went for a coffee walk with Nibski and Ballboy tonight. Didn't really want to go but I forces Nibski into going (he didn't want to go either b/c he was too drunk but whatever! that's his fault). Then I wrote out a bunch of music for him for this concert he's putting on with a kid. I know how to have a good time! Do I ever! This is my second last Friday before school starts for me and I'm doing basically nothing exciting at all. Gotta love that. Tomorrow should be better with the.. wait a minute - what I am saying? I'm working on report cards all morning! Bloody hell! I was going to say that it would be better with the kayaking in the evening with Indigo but blast and damnation I have stupid report cards to do! Well, at least I can get some satisfaction with the F U's that will be on a few reports. Simple things amuse simple (or burnt out) minds.

Antsy and Pensive

It was the last day of classes today before the exam crunch for the kiddies. It was actually a sad day for me because I had my last band class with the kids I started three years ago. They were my first class ever. I tried to say some inspirational words at the end of class but I couldn't... I was getting choked up again. I'm such a sap. We arranged ourselves in a circle and played out of their beginning band arrangement book from their first year. We ended the class by going around the circle and sharing our favourite memories. Some stories were very enlightening and other were just classics that we all know and love. It was really a 'warm-fuzzy' class. I will miss them but I know I have a lot more to look forward to in the years to come. They will always have the 'first' place in my memories though - that's for certain.

There are so many changes going on around me right now but I kinda feel like I'm stuck. They are really exciting things happening and I suppose I feel left outta the loop. Maybe I think I'm suppose to be somewhere I'm not? Not sure. I know that working on a Masters is a 'big deal' or supposedly is but it seems kinda stupid at the moment. Likalia has bought a house. Fantastic! She's now a full fledged adult - complete with debt forever ahem. ;) Some friends just announced they're going to have their third baby this spring! Terrific! Our other friends think they're crazy but I think it's exciting. I got an update from uni friends a year into their marriage. Good on 'em. Another friend just got back from China and bought a house and car within a week. Of course, she made a tonne of cash while she was there even though she hated every minute but still - holy crap! Where the hell am I?

In a job that doesn't have much of a future except struggle and grief, living in my parents house with no real assets of my own except a car and who can I blame for that? Only me. I know, I know... it could be a hell of a lot worse. I could be doing nothing and I know I am doing stuff but it just seems that I have so%

Can't sleep

It's 2:40 am and I'm awake... I don't know why, but I am. Perhaps it's the coffee I had at 8:30 but that's not unusual for me to do on a Thursday night. Could be the half of a tiger brownie? Or could it be the millions of things running through my head about school (the job) and school (the summer) ? I thinking that could be the most likely explanation.

I suppose to walk with Likalia at 6:30 tomorrow morning - well, make that this morning - and I'm wondering if I'll actually make it. I hoping because this whole being a fat blob thing is losing it's charm fast. That would be more accurate if it actually had any charm in the first place and since it didn't, that statement was totally inaccurate and has been rescinded.

Let's see. The District Retirement Party was after school today (I'm just going to say today as it it was correct) and it was a good ole networking time. I may have inadvertently screwed myself by putting two high up people together to talk about me and my teaching position next year. Do I want more time? Well, yes. But I had kinda decided or at least come to accept the plan for next year would be work on the masters and sub on my alternate days since I would only be working every second day at school. That would give me time to do what I needed to do for my thesis as well as focus on the stuff at school that I actually want to focus on. Problem now, if I'm offered more time (as I do kinda sorta want but don't because the time won't be in my area of expertise) what do I say? I've been advocating for it and now if it's offered I'll look like a complete idiot to turn it down.

So all of this is churning around in my tiny mind while at the same time I'm thinking about the final exam I'm creating. Did I cover all the learning outcomes - 95%. Did they retain any of it? 30%. Will the final be too hard or too easy? Will I have enough information to review in class today with the darlings so they don't go bouncing off the walls or each other and actually get something covered? Have I prepared enough for this? No. Will it work out in the end? Of course, it always does. Does that really factor into my frame of mind at the moment. Not on your life. All I can think about is how the veteran teachers have done such an excellent job and how I have potentially ruined the next three years of these kids lives because I didn't teach them about the French and American Revolutions and instead focused on the other BEFORE hand stuff. Which, in retrospect, maybe wasn't the best thing to do but in reality - they're not going to care one way or another and actually, they will get better information from another teacher on those topics anyway - if they choose to continue with the subject. ACK! There are too many things to think about. Too many examples of how I've 'failed' this year. To an outsider, it may not look that way but I have just barely made it through. Only three more classes to go and then THANK GOODNESS IT'S OVER!

or is it... tomorrow's meeting with the higher powers that be will let me know my future fate. More grey hairs and pounds or more peace and focus on what I want? Hell - it's a job right. What gives me the right to be picky?

It's about an hour after I first logged on and I'm still not tired. Maybe I'll start marking assignments that I have to hand back tomorrow - or maybe I'll make some review pages. Do I know how to party or what?!

Map of Alternate Self

In front of me I have a map of the University Campus where I'll be spending my summer but this time in rez. As I'm looking at the map, I'm thinking how I want to get there as fast as possible but the only reason I'm wanting to get out is for the sake of change. Work is almost done but it's not coming fast enough while at the same time coming too fast. I have a tonne of work to do (create finals and review packages, clean up/organize office and store rooms) but none of it actually appeals to me. Why? Because I know my time for next year has been cut significantly once again and I frankly don't want to go into my 4th year of my career back where I was in my 1st year.

This past week I was kinda a recluse - which, I believe people have every right to be when they see fit. Apparently, I was snubbing people by hiding out. I suppose I was and I'll admit, I was doing it consciously. I didn't want to see them - not because I don't like them, just because I knew that seeing them wouldn't put me in a better mood or make me want to go to work the next day, it would just be a reminder of how at this moment I'm kinda stuck in a rut and really REALLY need change.

Likalia and I started walking early in the morning this past week and that was good. I had a focus and a routine. I've kinda lost my routine. I had a fabulous routine last summer and well into the spring but ever since things have started to wind down the routine has slipped and the moral has gone with it. The routine of this week didn't involve many people besides the paddling crew and Likalia and I was good with that but the others weren't.

It's been a weaning process - a transition into the other person I am in the summer. Sure, I'm a stressed person but hell - that's nothing really new, but I do think I'm a tad different. Next September will be different. I'm dropping a lot of extra curricular stuff but at the same time picking up some others so it will turn out to be fairly even. The difference lies in the enjoyment factor which will be the biggest benefit. Maybe the other me and the present me will actually be able to unite in the same city.

Thank you... and good bye

TGIO - Thank Goodness It's Over! Concert day was a disaster and the concert itself would have been MUCH better if we had been able to rehearse in our performance venue or actually rehearse the day of our concert period but whatever... soon there will be staffing changes and hopefully then I'll have some input but then again, I might not be there which could be a blessing as well. A parent said to me that I'll never have a class like that again, and that's sad because at this school I know it's true and that is very disheartening.

Okay - so I cried. This was the last concert I'd have with my babies - my very first beginner band students. They're moving on and it's sad. So I cried... and was mocked. And THEN - I suppose I shouldn't be bitter but I am... I was mocked even more for some typos in the program. The date was from the previous concert and something I wrote didn't come out right so it was mockable and then I was told I was too sensitive. Maybe that's true, or maybe I just know when to mock and when not to... and this was a not to moment. But some insensitive person apparently took offence to my taking offence and blah. Stupidity. I shouldn't have to worry about that shit, especially on a night like tonight and especially since my supposed friends should be a little more perceptive considering I skipped out on stuff last night due to stress but men are idiots so I rest my case.

No I don't... a few last thoughts on the matter.. I was grateful that my friends and family came out to support me... I really was. And I really appreciate those that know how to behave themselves. As Rashy was saying something about a concert she had put on and the 'helpful feedback' she received and how she didn't appreciate it at all, no one questioned her reaction but for some reason, I am fair game. I don't like that very much. Again... Unperceptive men are idiots.. and that's why they are single. Now I rest my case.