Blog Changes Home

I should have posted this a long time ago.

Maggie's New Home

Shoes? Again? Really?

Shoes. Yup... I ended up at shoes. It really shouldn't be a shock but it's been a while since I went on an Internet quest for one thing and ended up at shoes.

It started innocently enough by comparing mattress prices but then the clicking began and I found myself looking at some of the usual suspects like Nine West, Steve Madden, and Marc Jacobs.

The chain of events:

1. mattress
2. bedding
3. workout wear
4. work wear
5. evening wear
6. shoes

Not such a crazy jump once you look at it - I suppose it's like the whole 6 degrees of separation but still... I ended up at shoes once again, and envisioning the possibilities that my wardrobe has now that I've recently created a lot of free space (in the form of 3 large bags of unwanted clothes... haven't yet done the shoes and weird other stuff).

"Go On"

Even though I am a musician, I am always amazed at how music can speak such truths to so many people about so many things regardless of who they are or the situation they are - or feel that they are - in. Artist's meaning is not necessarily exactly or maybe even close to what you interpret but that doesn't matter. The music speaks to you and that's the point.

As I was driving home from a typical post gig drink, Jack Johnson's "Go On" was playing on my stereo and though I've heard it a hundred times before, something hit me tonight that literally brought tears to my eyes.

I recently met up with a lot of old friends and it was bitter sweet. I felt like I was saying a 'forever' good-bye to some but for one in particular it was especially difficult. Tonight, though he was the farthest thing from my mind, he exploded into my thoughts when this song began to play. It was if the 5 years apart hadn't existed when we were back together again and yet that time and all the unspoken things of the past were the herd of white elephants in the room with us as we watched his slide show of pictures of a recent trip with his fiancée and he sheepishly covered the shot of them kissing. Don't misunderstand, I am very happy for him - their plans are perfect for him and his life now. At one time they were perfect for me as well but weren't for him and now they aren't for me. Such is the way of my life.

It doesn't matter that "Go On" was written for/about Johnson's children, it's still a pensive love song that spoke to me more tonight than in the past 100 plays on the stereo. This will be the second song that I will forever equate with 'him' - the first? "Hurts to Love You" by the Philosopher Kings. That is a story in itself.

point?

I feel that I'm missing something... something big.
I'm not a hundred percent as to what it might be but there is something really lacking in my life right now. Maybe I feel this way because it seems that time is standing still for me but for everyone else it's streaking ahead. In the past week alone I've heard of 3 new pregnancies and an 1 new engagement. Today alone I learned of 1 new car and 2 new house purchases. Everyone - except me it feels - is getting on with their lives and if being a 'grownup' where as I'm.... I'm... what the hell am I doing?
I teach which is work. I haven't a social life to speak of (which someone that doesn't know me at all so observantly pointed out to me this morning - thanks :D! ) As I was driving back from the gym today I thought how pointless my current existence is and started thinking how pointless existence is period. I mean, we're born - we grow - we work - we die. If we're anyone but me, so it seems... we'll experience happiness, explore, be challenged, love freely with reciprocation, and enjoy being in general.
I had my charts read a few weeks ago... it scared me. I don't like what's going to be and shockingly, they're so far very accurate. In short... I'm doomed to a miserable and pointless existence. Motivation gone.
the end

Feeling a little invaded...

Here's the scenario... read and then give your opinion please:

I have just returned from a 3 day trip with a bus of 13-14 year olds, before which I didn't get any sleep due to preparations that took until the last minute, so you can imagine the current state of sleep deprivation I currently am experiencing.

Part of the preparations were to prepare instructions for my fill in while I was gone. In those instructions I left a suggestion of something to the effect of "if the main office doesn't have anything pressing that they need done, come back to the classroom and you can tidy the front area" I repeat "tidy the FRONT."

No where in that do I read (or would have read into) go through my desk drawers, through out things you think I don't need, rearrange/tidy my office, take personal items off my bulletin board.. oh.. and let some kids go through my stuff too.

I'm sorry, but that just seems wrong to me. Yes, I know my office wasn't eat off the floor clean and was due for a good overhaul but it's still my office and the plan was to clean it up after the mayhem of the past 2 weeks concluded. Am I out to lunch here? I feel totally violated. I happened to see the dustbin by my desk completely full of paper (which erks me because I recycle like a made woman) so I started pulling things out and found things that students had given me 5 years ago that sure, were only little scraps of paper with weird sayings on them but they had sentimental value to me! And she threw them out! Totally unimpressed...

So am I over reacting to this? I realize that she really did mean well and that she thought it would be a nice gift to me to come back and have things totally cleaned up - which is true, the front of the room is nice and tidy as I had asked - but... the office!? She even left a note saying "This stack of papers is likely garbage but I left if for you... I hope you can find everything..." and then I find things that are clearly (well, clearly to me because they were on the bulletin board up high and purposefully placed there) not intended for the dustbin IN the dustbin!

What would you do? I'm thinking I should call and thank her for her efforts but... blah blah blah...

I'm being called...

I'm in the process of signing up for another conducting workshop/session/camp/thingy this coming summer and am so excited about it! It's only a week long and it's about a completely different style of conducting that I've only dabbled in once or twice but I'm really, really looking forward to the experience... if I get in. Apparently, they fill up quickly so I'm hoping that they'll take my money.

I was having a fairly typical 'band geek' talk with a friend tonight and it was great to once again get a like minded perspective on techniques and philosophies and at the same time totally bash one another for our incredibly high reading on the geekitude scale. I miss that. I need that. Yup, I'm kinda sick... or just super passionate about the (dare I say it) 'craft.' I guess I can't really be all that snobbish and serious about 'the craft' if I have to put the words 'the craft' in quotation marks meaning that I'm making fun of the seriousness of 'the craft.'

*phhhhttt* whatever! Doesn't it take a total geek to make fun of total geeks in order to cancel out the geekiness of the total geekiness - OR - does it just compound the geekitude factor thus creating a never ending spiral of geekiness that inevitably leads to the demise of all geeks?

I think I need to go to bed. Reports Cards await me tomorrow... stupid administrative duties...

Just say "No" to ________

I'd like to be able to learn how to do this whole "saying no" business and I thought I was actually on track for a while. I've been saying "no" to a conducting job since the summer but they've finally worn my down and I've agreed to fill in until their July 1st gig is over. I'm a moron and I know it. Please, someone slap me. Please... I need reinforcements here.

I agreed to be a mentor (laugh now) for someone's master's thesis which means I'm basically their editor and might as well be their supervisor because their supervisor is apparently content with whatever I say is good because the supervisor know nothing about music - his words, not mine. I spent 1.5 hours editing tonight instead of going to the gym like I wanted to do and now I'm starting to get anxious about all the work I need to do there and at my actual job.

Again... please, someone... anyone.... slap me.